Research shows that in order to have a healthy relationship, the ratio of positive to negative interactions should be at least 5 to 1 — five positive interactions for every negative one. It is critical that we maintain this ratio if we want to nurture a life-giving relationship with our kids.

Understanding the 5:1 Magic Ratio

A "positive interaction" can mean many things. Certainly taking your kids out for ice cream builds good will with them. That counts as a positive interaction. But what if, while you're eating ice cream, you criticize your child for how messy she's being? Now you've negated the one positive interaction (getting ice cream) with one negative interaction (being critical).

But here's the thing. From the perspective of your child, it's not a wash. In psychological terms, the negative interaction carries more weight than the positive interaction. By criticizing your child while you're supposed to be having fun, you've actually taken a step backwards. In order for your child to be able to handle the criticism with emotional balance, a minimum of five other positive interactions with you must have preceded it.

I'll never forgot something my 4-year-old once said to me at the end of what I thought was a great day together. I took him to the park. We went to his favorite restaurant for lunch. We talked and laughed together while running errands. We wrestled on the trampoline and overall spent lots of quality time together. But toward the end of the day, he wanted to play one more game and I said "no." It was time to wind things down, eat dinner, and get ready for the next day. As I was tucking him in to bed, he looked up at me and said, "Today was a bad day." Flabbergasted, I asked, "What do you mean?" I proceeded to remind him of all the fun things we had done together. He responded, "Yeah, but we didn't get to play that game I wanted to play."

Now, you may chalk that up to recency bias. Me saying "no" was freshest in his mind. He was also only four, not exactly the most rational age. But the sentiment of what he was expressing has always stuck with me. For kids, the negative hits hard. We need to be sensitive to that as fathers and do our best to build up a cache of positivity with our kids so that they can handle the negative interactions with us when they inevitably happen.

The Power of the Tongue

While Dr. John Gottman's research about this 5-to-1 "golden ratio" focuses on what can generally be called "positive interactions," I like to think about it specifically in terms of the words I speak to my kids. By definition, when I'm talking to my kids, I'm interacting with them. And here's the thing with words: Of all the possible interactions we could possibly have with our kids, our words carry the most power.

Proverbs puts it this way: "The tongue has the power of life and death." (Proverbs 18:21)

What a responsibility we have, then, to speak life instead of death over our kids. Our voice become their inner monologue. Are we building our kids up with the words we speak over them? Or are we shaming them, criticizing them, and overall tearing them down?

Recently I was having a conversation with my teenager and I came down pretty hard on him. I circled back later that day to clear the air. I said, "Son, the reason I'm being hard on you is because I expect a lot from you, and the reason I expect a lot from you is because I believe that you're capable of it. I know you have it in you to show up better than you have been."

That sounds pretty good, right? In a way, it even sounds like I was trying to build him up. And my intention in the moment was to try to build him up, to speak life over him, to let him know that I believed in him.

But no sooner had the words left my mouth than I felt deeply convicted in my spirit. A gentle voice in my head said, "Yeah, but when is the last time you told him you're proud of him? When is the last time you complimented him on something he did well? How long has it been since he didn't feel the weight of your expectations, no matter how well-intentioned they might be?"

Ouch!

When it comes to our words, it is especially important that we affirm our kids way more than we are critical of them. If a majority of what we say is life-giving, then they'll be better able to handle the occasional harsh word, discipline, or constructive criticism.

Ways of Tipping the Balance

It seems like maintaining a 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions with our kids would be easy. We love them after all, right? Certainly we're not that negative with our kids, are we? Probably not. But it's amazing how easily we can slip up without even realizing it — and how intentional we may need to be to tip the balance in favor of the five positive interactions.

So let's get practical.

Here are several ideas from my own experience for how to inject positivity into your interactions with your kids.

1. During times that are particularly stressful with your kids, predetermine that this time I'm going to throttle back my normal "firm" parenting practices. For us, it's dinner time. We have one child who is especially messy and doesn't have the best table manners. There's almost always something to point out about what he's doing wrong. So sometimes my wife and I will decide that no matter how egregious the poor manners are at this particular meal, we're not going to say anything. Let's let him have a night without being scrutinized and just let him eat in peace.
2. Get the word "but" out of your vocabulary. Often I'll find myself giving one of my kids a complement, and then immediately follow it with a "but...." For example: "Son, you did a really good job of cleaning your room, but next time try to keep things more organized so that it doesn't get so out of control." Stop before the "but". Just tell him he did a good job cleaning his room. Period. Then later you can circle back and create a teaching opportunity to help him stay organized. But let the compliment be the compliment and leave it at that.
3. Plan something fun... and just have fun! Think back to the ice cream example. Take your kids for ice cream. That's a positive interaction. Before you get in the car, mentally commit to keeping it an enjoyable experience. If your daughter gets ice cream all over her shirt, well, that's part of being a kid. Laugh about it, take a picture, and joke about it on the way home. No need for criticism.
4. Say, "I love you just because of who you are." It can be random and out of the blue. Your child will appreciate it.
5. Pray for your kids. If you notice one of them sad or having a bad day or acting a little out of sorts, say, "Hey, you look a little sad, can I pray for you real quick?" Then put your hand on his/her shoulder, say a quick prayer, and given the child a hug. That's it. They'll feel refreshed and know you care. Talk about a positive interaction!
6. If your kids are younger, pull them up onto your lap and just hold them.
7. Smile. It's amazing how a simple smile can completely change the vibration level between you and your child. And who knows, they might just smile back at you!
8. Say "good morning" when you first see your kids in the morning. If you have a teenager, they might not respond. That's okay. You've still created a positive interaction. I remember when my teenager first stopped responding to me when I'd wish him a good morning, I would respond with something snarky like, "What, is it too much to say 'good morning' back?" That undoes any good will. Don't be like me. 😀
9. Do something to show that you're thinking about them. A while ago my son was into cars. While I was at the grocery store, I saw a sweet-looking model Ferrari for $4.99. I thought he'd like it, so I bought it. When I gave it to him, his eyes lit up and he showed it off to everyone he saw for the next week. It wasn't about the fact that I bought him something or how much I spent or even how cool the car was. It was the fact that I knew what he liked and was thinking about him. That one small gesture really made a big impact on him.

I'm sure you can be even more creative in how you create positive interactions with your kids. The point is to be intentional. Perhaps even make a contest out of it and literally jot down every time you say or do something positive vs. negative. You might be surprised at how much positivity it takes to get to that 5-to-1 ratio! Positivity becomes a habit, and it will become easier and easier to maintain the golden ratio over time.

Heed Your Mom's Advice

If your mom was anything like mine, at some point in your life she probably told you, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." It's sound advice, and it's a particularly helpful way to bring your positive-to-negative ratio into balance.

Here's another saying that I've found applicable to my relationship with my kids: "The first step to getting yourself out of a hole is to stop digging." That advice is often given in the context of finances; to get out of debt, you need to stop spending more than you make. The same is true when it comes to the words we speak to our kids. If your relationship with one of your children is less-than-healthy, stop digging. In this context that means stop with the criticism and negativity. Sometimes the simplest way to stop adding to the negative side of the ledger is to not say anything at all. Bite your tongue. An extended period of time without negative interactions can give you and your child the breathing room you need to add positive interactions down the road and build back up toward the 5:1 ratio.

Redeeming Broken Relationships

Here's one final thing worth mentioning, and I say it from personal experience with one of my own kids. If your ratio has been out of balance for an extended period of time and your relationship with your child is a bit rocky, it may take some time to thaw the icy relationship. Don't expect one good week of maintaining a 5-to-1 ratio to immediately make things honky-dory again. Stick with it. Trust that it is working on the inside, even if your child doesn't show obvious signs of improvement on the outside. Give the 5:1 ratio some time take root, and your child will come out of their shell and warm to your positivity eventually. I believe that all relationships are redeemable. The 5:1 ratio can play a big role in that redemption story.

Years from now, you want your kids to look back on their relationship with you and have an overall positive impression. You want them to feel good about who they are as a person and believe that you were in their corner, that you loved them unconditionally, and that you had their best interest at heart. You may slip up and say something harsh occasionally. We're human, after all. But if the amount of life you speak over your kids way outweighs the metaphorical death, you'll have the healthy relationship with them that you desire and that they need.

For more, listen to our "Friday Focus" podcast episode about the 5:1 rule: